Do you remember your marriage before having children? Is it just me, or is it hard to balance raising children and keeping a marriage strong?

When my children were little, I found it especially hard to focus on my marriage. All my energy was focused on taking care of children 24/7. Children are needy and often drain us physically and emotionally. After attending to their needs all day, everyday, there just doesn’t seem to be anything left to put into our marriage.

Sometimes, our lives get so centered around our children, even to the neglect of our marriage. Perhaps you’ve wondered, “Who is this person I’m married to?” Maybe you can hardly remember what life was like before children. Life gets busy–we get caught up in the whirlwind of childcare, doctor’s visits, chaos, chores, and responsibilities. With all the focus on our children, our spouses can seem like strangers. Sadly, in many marriages, when the children have grown and leave home, couples realize they don’t know each other anymore. And for some, this ends up causing an end to their marriage.

How can we regain our marriage? How can we keep our spouse from becoming that person we don’t know anymore?

Last year, my husband and I took a much-needed trip away. Far away. We walked the streets of Paris and figured out who we were again. We remembered that we once had an identity as a couple before having children. Exploring a new city together helped to reestablish that bond and reminded us of the joy we used to have in traveling and exploring new places.

I created a memory jar of that trip. I look at it when I need to remember our time together as a couple. Like a memorial stone the Israelites set up to remember God’s faithfulness, my memory jar reminds me that we are first and foremost a couple. When I begin to forget who we are as a couple or even feel like we’ve become strangers, I can look at that memory jar and remember that there is a foundation beneath all the craziness in our life.

Do you have memories you need to revisit to remember your identity as a couple? Perhaps you need to make new memories. Marriage is a lifelong journey of intentional moments. Strong marriages are cultivated by time spent together. When life gets busy, because it always does, we need to return to those moments and remember the times spent together.

Today, peruse your memory banks for those sweet times with your spouse. Remember your identity as a couple. And set a date to get away and reestablish that bond.

Download TODAY! ==> Faith - A Four Week Mini Bible Study
Subscribe to CSAHM via Kindle!

We were all seated in my living room, the four of us. Every week we meet and share our lives with each other. The kids run around mad while we pray, discuss the book we’re reading, and hold one another accountable in the faith.

One of the girls casually mentioned her desire to have meaningful conversation with her spouse. She also shared how hard it is to actually have opportunity for quality conversation. In mere minutes, all of us had shared the same the struggle.

When you are a parent, it’s rare to have undisturbed quality time with your husband. For my husband and I, we try to go out on a date at least once a month. One thing I’ve noticed though, is how hard it is to not spend our date talking about the kids or other life responsibilities. Talk seems to frequently center around the details of life. “Can you take him to the doctor for me?” “All the light bulbs are out in the kitchen, can you take care of that this week?” “Did you remember to pay the power bill?” “Have you called your mom to make sure we can come over for the holiday?” Etc., etc. Before we know it, our date is over and we didn’t really talk.

The only way to have meaningful conversation with our spouses is to be intentional. Life will always get in the way. There will always be crisis to discuss, decisions to be made, and important things to schedule. As much as we would all like for quality conversation to happen organically, sometimes it is helpful to purposefully initiate meaningful, deep, quality conversation with our spouses.

The next time you do have time together without your children, consider a few of these “conversation starters.” Perhaps they will open doors for deeper connection and ultimately a stronger relationship.

1. Choose a book that you will both read. Each time you are on a date or without your children, talk about the book. Discuss what you are learning from it and how it has impacted you.

2. Plan a trip together. Even if it may never happen, it is still fun to share a dream isn’t it?

3. Talk about how you’ve seen God at work in your life recently. How have you seen evidences of his grace? How has your prayer life been? What have you been reading in your personal devotional time? How has the Spirit been convicting your heart?

4. Share personal goals, things you’d like to learn, places you’d like to go, and aspirations you have.

5. Discuss your relationship, how you’d like to see it improve and the steps you can take to do that.

6. Discuss and research a project or new hobby you’d like to do together.

Take the first step. Don’t wait for your spouse to open the door to deeper conversation. Be the one to open it first. If it seems like unfamiliar territory, just open the door a little at first. Each time you have a date, open the door wider for deeper levels of conversation. For some, sharing deeper things about themselves may feel awkward, for others it’s second nature.

As parents, we get too little time alone with our spouses. Date nights are expensive. The kids are always around, making it hard to talk about anything of significance. Use what little time you do have for the health and benefit of your marriage. After all, the kids will grow up before you know it and it’ll be just the two of you again. And when that time comes, you will want your marriage to be about something more than the fact that you are parents together.

What about you? Do you have any suggestions for having quality conversations with a spouse?

Download TODAY! ==> Faith - A Four Week Mini Bible Study
Subscribe to CSAHM via Kindle!

When you first got married, were there qualities about your husband you assumed or hoped would go away? What happened when they didn’t? If you are anything like many wives, you may have begun “nagging” him about the problem. Though we tend to call it “reminding” rather than nagging. Am I right?

The dictionary defines nagging as “to find fault or complain in an irritating, wearisome, or relentless manner.” Like a throbbing toothache, when we nag at our husbands, we become a wearisome irritation. I doubt any wife would want to be an irritation to their husbands. We just want them to change their faults and bad habits. Why do you suppose we think that nagging or reminding our husbands about their faults will motivate them to change? Do we think that they too easily forget?

The problem with nagging is that it drives our husband’s away from us rather than toward us. It makes them defensive. It creates a barrier, a wedge keeping our marriages from being the way God intended. How can a couple be truly united as one with a wedge caught in the middle?

We need to remember that the source to all change is God alone.

No amount of nagging and reminding is going to change a person. Some may comply for a time, to get the nagging to stop but then they will begin the habit again soon enough. The greatest power for change that we have as wives is prayer.

Prayer ought to be our first and primary method of addressing a problem we have with our husbands. We need to pray not only that God would work in our husband’s hearts but that He would work in ours as well. Perhaps God has chosen to not change our husbands irritating habits. What then? We need to pray that God will help us to love them despite the behavior. Perhaps He can even change our hearts to not even notice it anymore. Because after all, don’t we all have our own habits that irritate others? Hasn’t Jesus forgiven us for even greater sin?

I’m a recovering nagger. I say recovering because it seems to come as a default mode if I’m not careful. When I’m not continually in communion with God through prayer and His word, nagging will begin to creep up into my heart. When I don’t preach the gospel to myself everyday, I forget about the grace which saved me. Then I don’t extend grace to my husband. A few years ago, I was really concerned about my husband’s health. I was convinced I would be a young widow because of how he lived, ate and didn’t attend to his health. I took it upon myself to remind him that he needed to take better care of himself. I nagged.

The Holy Spirit convicted me and helped me to stop the constant reminding. Instead, I began praying. I prayed for months about it. Out of the blue one day, my husband told me he decided to join a gym.

Praying about our husband‘s problems isn’t a magic formula. God will only change what he wants changed, according to His will. The amazing thing about prayer is that it orients our own hearts to true north. When we acknowledge that God is sovereign and will work all things out for the good of both spouses, we can rest in the loving power of God. God can also change our own heart to love and accept our husband for who he is, defects and all. God’s love and care over our marriage can break that wedge and once again bring unity to a marriage damaged by nagging.

What about you? Has nagging ever been a problem in your marriage? How have you found prayer to change things–either your husband’s or your own heart?

Disclosure: Some affiliate links have been used within this post.

Download TODAY! ==> Faith - A Four Week Mini Bible Study
Subscribe to CSAHM via Kindle!

First and most importantly, open the lines of communication. Sit down with your spouse and in a non-argumentative tone talk things out. Talk about what is bothering you, what is bothering them and how the both of you may be able to make changes for the sake of each other. Honor each others feelings and thoughts and never attack or belittle each others opinions. If you communicate with each other honestly and openly you will be on the right track to saving your marriage.

Christian marriage has a foundation that is based on the love and belief in the Lord. Turn together to the Lord during this trying time. Whether that means holding hands and praying quietly and silently, praying together out loud, reading your Bible together, whatever it may take to turn towards Him.

He is waiting to hold you in His arms and guide you back to each other. Always have faith that the Lord is who brought you together, so He is the one entity that has the power to bring you back together. All you need to have is an open and faith filled heart.

Be open to seek Christian counseling as well. Most Christian churches are more than equipped to provide counseling for those members who need it. Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed as that counseling was put there to help. Call your church with your spouse and make an appointment to speak to someone for some extra help in getting your marriage put back on the right track.

It is important that you seek out Christian counseling only as you will want the person who is counseling you to share your beliefs and values, as it will make the process that much easier.

Though you believe your situation may be hopeless, remember that a Christian marriage can be saved. With some hard work and open heart and faith in the Lord you can return to a place in your marriage that you truly thought you would never get back.

Download TODAY! ==> Faith - A Four Week Mini Bible Study
Subscribe to CSAHM via Kindle!

Sometimes though, life gets in the way and they hit a period of rough times. Because of their true love and devotion for each other and the Lord, rather than throwing in the towel they decide to seek out Christian Marriage Counseling. It is wonderful that they have made the decision to seek help.

Exactly where does a Christian couple go to be counseled correctly?

One option and probably the most obvious would be to seek counseling from the great counselor, the Lord. Turn towards him during this tough time. Speak to him together, call out to him together, and cry with him together. He is more than aware of the difficulties you are experiencing and He is just waiting for you to ask him for help.

If you both open your hearts up to Him completely and pray that He will guide you closer to each other and to Him, He will do just that no questions asked. When two individuals who are already strongly faith based come together and ask the Lord for guidance and help, miracles have and will occur. Just makes sure that both of you truly believe that He is in control of the situation and has the power and the love to help you both.

Something else that you may want to consider to incorporate with the Lord’s love and counseling is to seek out Christian counseling as well. This is where you and your spouse can sit down with an unbiased third party that you can talk to and air out your differences. Please make sure you seek out Christian counseling and not just traditional counseling.

You may want to see if your church has a program in place (which many usually do) or ask a Christian friend or Pastor for advice. Reason being is that because your marriage is faith and devotion based it is important to have a counselor who understands the importance of the Lord in both of your lives and in your marriage as well. This will make all the difference.

A Christian Marriage is a lifelong commitment. During the rough times if the need to seek out counseling arises please obey. Whether it is through prayer counseling with the Lord or through a Christian counselor it can only strengthen your marriage and bring you, your spouse and the Lord closer together.

Download TODAY! ==> Faith - A Four Week Mini Bible Study
Subscribe to CSAHM via Kindle!

The most common and most obvious would be the mutual love and admiration for the Lord. Both participants in the marriage have a strong love and devotion for God. This brings them together not only on a physical and emotional level but on a spiritual level as well.

They are both confident that the Lord will guide them through the rough times and celebrate with them during the good times. Together they spend time in prayer, in church and in sharing their devotion with others. This helps them grow stronger as a married couple as well.

Another important factor in a successful Christian marriage is that of forgiveness and trust. Each understand that the other is not perfect and will make mistakes. They know that perfection only lies in God, not in man. This allows them to look beyond each others faults and mistakes and have forgiveness for each other.

Though it may seem to be a difficult task at times, to have forgiveness for each other, each will be given the strength from God to make that possible. They will trust in each other that forgiveness is what the Lord wants them to do and they will become even closer as a married couple.

Finally and most importantly, a successful Christian marriage is one based on pure and faithful love for each other. A successful Christian marriage oozes pure love for one another. A kind of love that does not judge, does not falter, is simple yet powerful. A kind of love that many people think can only be found in romance novels is abounding in a successful Christian marriage.

Many marriages are successful. Many are not. Having your marriage based on a Christian foundation can increase the chances of it being successful and long lasting by leaps and bounds. Again, as we know marriage is not easy but incorporating Christian principles on a regular basis can make those difficult times become much easier.

Download TODAY! ==> Faith - A Four Week Mini Bible Study
Subscribe to CSAHM via Kindle!

Honestly, all marriages will have their good times and their bad times but if you have faith that the Lord will guide you and keep you strong, that your spouse loves you with their whole heart and that you are worth it, your Christian Marriage will stay solid.

Another element that is key not only in a Christian Marriage but also in any marriage is the element of communication; you must be willing to keep an open heart. Too many times married couples tend to stop communicating. They stop sharing what makes them happy, what makes them sad, and what they would like to change.

Spend some time in prayer each day and ask the Lord to provide you with open communication with your spouse; it will make all the difference.

Something that may seem obvious but still needs to be addressed is love. When attempting to grow in a Christian marriage there must be an over abundance of love present. There must be an honest and pure love for each other and for God. Without this honest and pure love your marriage will unfortunately become stagnant.

Do not be afraid to show your love freely and without reservation and you will receive it back. Love is what a Christian marriage’s foundation relies on, don’t be afraid to give and be open enough to receive.

Lastly, a Christian marriage will not grow stronger without the mutual love of the Lord. Each day spend time together with your spouse and God. Whether that includes going to church together, reading your Bible together, or allocating a portion of each day to spend in prayer together, this is so important for the growth of a Christian marriage.

Make a conscious decision to incorporate each of these into your marriage on a daily basis and you and your spouse will be on the road to a long lasting love filled marriage with each other and the Lord.

Download TODAY! ==> Faith - A Four Week Mini Bible Study
Subscribe to CSAHM via Kindle!

I know for me personally communicating with my husband effectively has been a struggle. I have to make a commitment everyday to try and communicate appropriately with my husband.

Often good communication skills is a difficult skill to learn but all it takes is the commitment to making your marriage better by resolving conflict in a respectful way. How we communicate with our husbands is crucial. Our tone of voice and the words we say can really set the mood for how the conflict gets resolved.

Men often say that having a wife that respects them is one of the things they need in order to be the best husband they can be. If we address conflict in a negative way we will almost certainly end up disrespecting our husbands in the process.

Steps to Effective Communication:

Pray – Sometimes we just need to step back from the situation and ask God to lead us in how we should approach a certain situation that is bothering us.

Approach Respectfully – Even though you may be angry with your husband, still try and make an effort to approach your husband with love and respect. If you read 1 Cor. 13:4-7 we need to be patient with our husbands – patience and respect equals love.

Follow the steps to conflict resolution:

• Let each party express how they feel about the situation. My counselor even recommended using a timer for both individuals. Work to express your feelings without using “YOU” messages. For example instead of saying “I hate it when you treat me that way.” say “When you say this I feel this way.” Own your feelings.
• Next each person needs to express what they will do to help resolve the issue. This isn’t time to try and change the other person. One step towards progress is acceptable and both parties should strive to work towards keeping their promise on what they plan to do to help resolve the conflict.
• Come up with a plan of action. Think of actions, or words you can say to help fulfill your promise on what you are going to do to resolve the conflict. The resolution should be win – win for each person.

We can’t expect to go through our marriage without having to face conflict. God made us different, both with faults and strengths, however made to help each other grow spiritually. Learning effective communication skills will certainly help your marriage grow.

Download TODAY! ==> Faith - A Four Week Mini Bible Study
Subscribe to CSAHM via Kindle!