When you first got married, were there qualities about your husband you assumed or hoped would go away? What happened when they didn’t? If you are anything like many wives, you may have begun “nagging” him about the problem. Though we tend to call it “reminding” rather than nagging. Am I right?

The dictionary defines nagging as “to find fault or complain in an irritating, wearisome, or relentless manner.” Like a throbbing toothache, when we nag at our husbands, we become a wearisome irritation. I doubt any wife would want to be an irritation to their husbands. We just want them to change their faults and bad habits. Why do you suppose we think that nagging or reminding our husbands about their faults will motivate them to change? Do we think that they too easily forget?

The problem with nagging is that it drives our husband’s away from us rather than toward us. It makes them defensive. It creates a barrier, a wedge keeping our marriages from being the way God intended. How can a couple be truly united as one with a wedge caught in the middle?

We need to remember that the source to all change is God alone.

No amount of nagging and reminding is going to change a person. Some may comply for a time, to get the nagging to stop but then they will begin the habit again soon enough. The greatest power for change that we have as wives is prayer.

Prayer ought to be our first and primary method of addressing a problem we have with our husbands. We need to pray not only that God would work in our husband’s hearts but that He would work in ours as well. Perhaps God has chosen to not change our husbands irritating habits. What then? We need to pray that God will help us to love them despite the behavior. Perhaps He can even change our hearts to not even notice it anymore. Because after all, don’t we all have our own habits that irritate others? Hasn’t Jesus forgiven us for even greater sin?

I’m a recovering nagger. I say recovering because it seems to come as a default mode if I’m not careful. When I’m not continually in communion with God through prayer and His word, nagging will begin to creep up into my heart. When I don’t preach the gospel to myself everyday, I forget about the grace which saved me. Then I don’t extend grace to my husband. A few years ago, I was really concerned about my husband’s health. I was convinced I would be a young widow because of how he lived, ate and didn’t attend to his health. I took it upon myself to remind him that he needed to take better care of himself. I nagged.

The Holy Spirit convicted me and helped me to stop the constant reminding. Instead, I began praying. I prayed for months about it. Out of the blue one day, my husband told me he decided to join a gym.

Praying about our husband‘s problems isn’t a magic formula. God will only change what he wants changed, according to His will. The amazing thing about prayer is that it orients our own hearts to true north. When we acknowledge that God is sovereign and will work all things out for the good of both spouses, we can rest in the loving power of God. God can also change our own heart to love and accept our husband for who he is, defects and all. God’s love and care over our marriage can break that wedge and once again bring unity to a marriage damaged by nagging.

What about you? Has nagging ever been a problem in your marriage? How have you found prayer to change things–either your husband’s or your own heart?

Disclosure: Some affiliate links have been used within this post.

Mail clutters my counters. There’s a laptop on the kitchen table where I need to set out dishes for dinner. Unfinished bottles of water remain where they were last used: the living room floor, the nightstand, kitchen counter and bathroom counter.

These are just a few things that irritate me.

Are there things your spouse does that irritate you? Little habits and idiosyncracies that you once thought would go away but now you know they never will? It’s irritations like this that can become fuel for a fire. Like the proverbial straw that broke the camel, the small annoyances we have with our spouses can become the very things that start an inferno.

When I see the evidences strewn around that my husband is home, I could stew. I could think thoughts like, “Who does he think I am, the maid?” or “Doesn’t he know how hard I work around the house?” If I don’t capture these thoughts and let them continue to churn in my mind, they will grow larger and more angry. These thoughts are guaranteed to be the spark that lights a fire.

It was the grace of God that brought me salvation and it’s grace that must be a crucial component of my marriage. When I am frustrated by the things my husband does, in grace I need to remember that I have been forgiven for much more. When I focus on the grace of God in my own heart, love for God will overflow (Mark 12:30). This love will transform my mind from thinking about my needs and what is best for me (Romans 12:20). I can then focus my mind on what is true, noble and right (Philippians 4:8).

A mind that is focused on the grace of the gospel can respond to the annoying behaviors of others in love. I can capture the angry thoughts before they take root and replace them with the truth. “He is tired from working and doesn’t realize that he’s left a mess for me to clean up.” “I am thankful for the mess for it reminds me that my husband is home with us.” “I have my own idiosyncracies that must annoy him.” “God has forgiven me for so much, I need to forgive others when they sin against me.”

When two people live together, there are bound to be differences in ways of living and doing things. We can’t allow the inevitable annoyances to create a wedge in marriage. Focusing on the truth of the grace of the gospel is what transforms our minds to help us respond in love to our spouses.

How can you extend grace to your spouse today?

Months before my wedding, I visited with longtime family friends of my husband to be. Just a shy, insecure college girl, I was quiet during most of our visit. Most couple’s preparing for marriage are given advice from well-meaning friends and family. That night, as I quietly engaged in conversation with the wife, I received marriage advice that I never forgot.

She shared with me that while she always loved her husband, there were times when she didn’t like him very much. She explained that over the years there had come occasions when she became annoyed with him or didn’t enjoy his company. She cautioned me to remember that the intense romantic love one feels when newly married will not always be there. It is the commitment and God’s active role in marriage that sustains it.

At the time, I couldn’t imagine not liking my future husband. I filed the information away, but assumed I’d never need it. Fifteen years have since passed and while the advice I received would not qualify as highly romantic, it was the most helpful.

In our society, many relationships end because couples “fall out of love” with one another. When the struggles that inevitably arise after two sinners become one, they often give up and walk away. Many in our culture base their expectation of marriage from romance comedies or novels. What these sources fail to reveal is that married life is not always bliss and happiness. The person we married always brings with them irritating habits, sins, and baggage that interferes with our perfect image of wedded life. We continually seek that emotional high that comes at the beginning of a relationship and never imagine it wearing off.

The truth is that real life in this fallen world means that there will be problems. We will say or do things that hurt each other. There will be financial stress, sickness, and losses. It’s important that we have the right expectations for marriage and a solid foundation. While we can’t expect marriage to be perfect and glorious all the time, we can expect for ups and downs and seasons of marriage. Knowing what to expect can help prepare us for eventual challenges. When tough times do come, we can remember our commitment to our marriage and with God’s help, work through the problems. Rather than giving up and walking away, we stay and fight.

With God as a solid foundation for marriage, we can weather any storm. The promise of love we made before God is a commitment through the good times and bad. We can trust Him to provide healing and to give us the strength to endure difficult seasons. Even when the winter seems longest, we can trust and believe that spring is coming.

My own marriage has had its good times and bad times. The advice I was given as a young college student helped me when I reached times in my marriage where I thought “this isn’t what I though this would be” or “this isn’t how I wanted my life to turn out.” I knew those times would come and go and that God was the anchor that would keep our marriage grounded.

While marriage is a beautiful and romantic gift from God, it is not without its troubles. Sin has damaged God’s original design. The best advice I ever received helped me have realistic expectations for my marriage. I found that I needed the advice and put it to good use over the years. While my marriage is not always like the romantic comedies I enjoy watching, it is strong and secure. Built on the foundation of God and the covenant we made, it has weathered many storms. While the storms will continue to come and go, God will ensure that we stand firm.

And how about you? What’s the best marriage advice you ever received?

When my oldest was about eight weeks old, a friend suggested my husband and I go out on a date and offered to babysit. I hadn’t left my son with anyone before so I was hesitant. What if he cried the whole time? What if he wouldn’t take a bottle? What if…? Both our friend and my husband encouraged me that it would be a good thing for us to go out and so we did.

Ever since then, we’ve had a regular date night. At times, it’s been once a month and other times once a week. It’s a priority we’ve stuck with these past seven years.

Committing to a regular date with your spouse is essential for not only a healthy marriage but also a healthy family. After Christ, your marriage is a solid foundation for your family. Children learn from an early age whether marriage is important or not. When they witness their parent’s commitment to their marriage, it gives them confidence in the strength of their family. It gives them a model for their future marriage. And it demonstrates a unity that is important for a healthy family.

Additionally, having regular dates with your spouse ensures that you maintain your relationship. One day, your children we leave the nest and it will be just the two of you. By committing to spend time with one another, you will build a friendship that will outlast the season of raising children.

For those who have family nearby, it may be easy to find a babysitter willing to watch your children regularly. We do not have family nearby. We prayed for a long time and finally God brought people into our lives through our church whom we trusted to watch our children. Family, close friends, church members, and teenagers in your neighborhood are all good options for finding a regular babysitter. Still can’t find one? Perhaps there is another couple you know who also need a sitter. You can take turns watching each others children. Searching for a sitter is worth the effort because your marriage is worth it.

Ideas for dates:

*Offer to participate with your spouse in their favorite hobby (perhaps fishing, hunting, golfing, etc). Believe me, it will mean a lot to them–once they pull their chin up from off the floor!

*Pack a picnic for a favorite park, hiking spot or the beach

*Try a new restaurant, maybe even a new type of food

*Explore bookstores, antique shops, flea markets, or farmer’s markets together

*Attend a cultural event: concert, musical, show or play

*Take a class together to learn a new skill (cooking class, surfing lessons, etc.)

Here’s a challenge: plan a special surprise date for your spouse in the near future. Leave a comment to let the rest of us know what fun idea you came up with and how surprised your spouse was. I could use some new ideas myself!

I had confronted him with an issue and he barely responded. I had thrown the accusing statement at him without any warning, tears streaming–the built up volcano’s lava of frustration and pain pouring forth. Giving me time to calm down, he returns later and with arms around me, he says, “I agree.” No excuses. No pointing a finger back at me.

There may be times when the best response isn’t one at all. A step of grace in the dance of marriage that only the humble dare to try.

Sometimes there are pains that can’t be held back. Sometimes there are issues that need to be discussed. Sometimes a problem has to be resolved. How does a marriage keep it’s balance in the face of conflict?

I have a couple of “communication mats” from a marriage counseling course I took years ago. The “mats” are literally “mats” that a couple stands on to learn the dance of communication. The husband stands on one mat and the wife on the other, facing each other, as though waiting for the musical cue to begin. The mats are carefully coreographed, showing exactly the steps each person takes as they communicate. It is during a marriage counseling session where the dance is taught and practiced.

For communication is often what makes or breaks a marriage. To dance as one even while facing challenges and conflicts is a reflection of grace. Always giving grace to the other dance partner, knowing that you too often trip and forget the dance moves yourself.

Yet there are many who never learned the steps to this divinely ordained movement of two souls. For those who desire to learn the steps of grace–the dance of communication:

(There is much written on communication and this isn’t the place for great detail but below are a few important steps to remember)

1. Each person takes a turn speaking. If need be, use an object that the person whose turn it is to speak holds while they are talking. When their turn is up, they give it to the other person to hold while speaking. This means that the listener does not interrupt, even if the other person is saying something that the listener believes to be wrong.

2. The job of the listener is to do just that–listen. That means they are not thinking the entire time about what they want to say in return. Rather, they are paying close attention to what the other person is saying so that they can effectively understand. They maintain eye contact. They also need use body language that shows listening, i.e. arms are not crossed. When the speaker has finished speaking, the listener responds by saying, “Let’s see if I understood you correctly. You said…” And then the listener summarizes what they understood the speaker to have said, in their own words. Then it is the listeners turn to speak their concerns.

3. The speaker avoids certain phrases that will always make the listener defensive. Such phrases include, “You always” “You never” “You made me” are a few. The speaker must own their own thoughts and feelings. Key phrases to use are “I feel ______ .” “When you said/did ______ I thought/felt __________.” “I think the reason I feel/think this way is ____________.”

Sometimes it feels strange to speak this way, especially when intense feelings are involved. But when both spouses feel heard, the dance becomes less rigid and more fluid. The more you practice, the more beautiful it becomes. Because to enter the dance is an act of grace, a humbling of the heart and a gift to the one you love.

“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” James 1:19

“When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” Proverbs 11:2

He came seemingly out of nowhere; unexpected.  He knew she was the one, might he be the one too? Like the way the Savior woos and calls his bride to him, he pursued her. He was always patient, waiting, accepting of her doubt and disbelief.  As our Lord loves us unconditionally, he accepted her as she was–scars, doubts, fears and all.

It’s been almost fifteen years now, since that bond called marriage began.  The road has often been rough and at times it seemed as though the bond would break.  Isn’t it only the grace of God that makes and keeps marriages?

This year we celebrate our fifteenth wedding anniversary.  I marvel at the way He draws opposites together, weaving two lives as one, and keeps it all from unraveling.  To honor this gift of marriage, we’ve been given a trip to Paris this October.

My husband and I have spent months planning where we will go, what we will see, and what we will eat.  I’ve even done a bit of shopping.  I’ve searched for dressy clothes for nice restaurants, a scarf or two (I hear all Parisian women wear scarves) and a rain coat.  The instructions for the babysitter are long enough to warrant a book binding.  This planning is reminiscent of the planning we did as young college students, when we planned our wedding and with uncertainty stepped into a new life together.

It seems like so much thought and planning just for a trip, but isn’t marriage important enough to warrant such a celebration? Marriage is certainly important to God.  He declared in Genesis that man should not be alone and created Eve to be Adam’s helpmeet.  As I work on the details for this trip, I think about how marriage mirrors our relationship with Christ. 

Ephesians 5: 31-33 says,“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Marriage is used countless times as a symbol in scripture for our relationship with God.  He is described as our bridegroom and we are the bride.  His love is described as unending, despite our love affairs with the world.  Scripture promises a future celebration of our union with Christ, unlike any wedding feast we’ve ever seen.

I plug away at my to-do list, pausing in prayer for the endurance I need to complete the tasks at hand.  As I pray, I think about the preparations for eternity with our Bridegroom.  I’ve bought books and movies to teach us all about where we are going in Paris–how much have I read about and prepared for my ultimate destination?  I’ve purchased clothing to suit the weather and culture of Paris–how often do I remember the robes of righteousness made possible by Jesus Christ?  I think and plan about all the sights there is to see on our trip–how excited am I about the promise of beholding Jesus seated on the throne?

There is a wedding celebration, a great feast being prepared even now for that Great Day.  How prepared are we?

Jesus cautions us to be ready for His coming.  In Matthew 25, Jesus shares three parables which speak to our preparation for the Banquet.  In the parable of the ten virgins, he reminds us to be prepared, for we do not know the day or the hour of His return.  The other parables teach us about the Lord’s expectation that we use the gifts he has given for the building of the kingdom.  Upon His return, it is those who have invested those gifts that will be granted a seat at the table. 

The last parable tells us that it is those who help the poor, orphaned and imprisoned who will feast with Him on the day of His return.  Being ready for His return means that our hearts are continually turned toward heaven.  We desire to be with Him more than anything we desire in this world.  Our love for Him is so strong, we seek to honor and obey Him.  With gratitude for His endless love, we desire to please the Bridegroom by loving and serving others.  We live out our lives eager for His return.

When I put all of my time and energy into concerns of this world and neglect focusing on the next, I am not living like a bride preparing for the bridegroom.  My focus and energy ought to be on preparing for the Banquet.  When the cares of this world take up the majority of my time, I need to step back and evaluate my heart.  I need to focus on His word, remembering His promise to return and the promise to bring me to the great Feast.  I need to remember that this home is a temporary one, requiring that I live more like a nomad rather than a permanent citizen.  When the cares of this world weigh me down, I need to focus on the joy that is to come.

The things in this world that I enjoy, even trips to Paris, need to point my heart to Him, not away from Him.  Every good thing we experience in this world is a reminder of the wonderful things we will enjoy in the world to come.  Marriage is one such reminder.  As I walk hand in hand with my husband along the River Seine, I will rejoice in the wonder of His hand at work in this world.  While enjoying the sights of the city, I will remember that the New City to come will far outshine anything I experience on this Earth.  As I feast on the culinary delights of a city famous for its food, I will ponder in my heart the glorious feast that awaits me when I go out to meet the Bridegroom on the day of His arrival.

Praising Him for His work in marriages!

And how about you?  Are you anxious for His return?

Recently I had the opportunity to review 31 Days to Build a Better Spouse. I was so happy to receive a copy of the eBook because I know the power of prayer. 31 Days to Build a Better Spouse is an eBook designed to give you insight, encouragement, and daily prayers for your spouse for 31 days.

Sometimes my heart knows what to pray for my husband, however most of the time my mind is cluttered with to do lists and more! Having a prayer book helps to keep me on track and get into the habit of praying daily for my husband. Life gets busy, so I do sometimes forget to pray for my husband. But praying for my husband is all too important to forget. That’s why I love 31 Days to Build a Better Spouse, it gives me a simple prayer to pray for my husband, every single day, which helps get me into the habit of praying every day!

What’s nice about this prayer eBook, is that not only can you go in order, but you can also jump around to different prayers you feel you need to pray for your husband at that moment in time.

So what’s the most important thing you can do for your husband? Pray every single day. Sometimes when life gets hectic we don’t know what to pray or we don’t take the time to pray. I highly recommend using the 31 Days to Build a Better Spouse as a guide and a help to get you into the habit of praying for your husband. It means so much, and could truly change not only the heart of your husband, but yours too!

I have a plaque in my kitchen that speaks so much truth about what I have learned about the power of prayer, and it says: “Prayer Changes Things” AMEN!

31 Days to Build a Better Spouse is available in the following eBook formats:
PDF | Kindle | nook

Disclosure: Affiliate links have been used within this post. I did receive a free review copy of the eBook, but I loved it so much I also purchased a copy for my nook! At CSAHM we offer honest reviews and recommendations with the interests of the Christian Stay at Home Mom in mind.

This sparked something in me and I decided I was going to teach my son to open doors for his “ladies.” So while I was back in my car I made the announcement that from now on it is my son’s job to open the door for us ladies. My son was laughing, along with my daughters’. They thought I was kidding! But I assured them that I wasn’t.

So as we approached our next destination I reminded my son that it was his job to open the door for us. My youngest daughter now realized I was serious and was a bit upset because she is usually the one to open the doors, and she does this to be helpful (she’s a sweetheart!) so she was a bit upset because her “job” had been taken away from her. But I felt it was important to teach my son how to be a gentlemen, so I assured her that she can be helpful in other ways, but it is her brother’s job to open the door for us.

On our way out of the store I reminded my son of his new job, and everyone giggled. But as we approached the car, again I reminded him he needed to open the car doors for us. My oldest daughter chimed in, “I think I can handle opening my own car door.” That’s when it hit me, this wasn’t just a lesson in teaching my son how to be a gentlemen, but it was also an opportunity to teach my daughters HOW to be a lady.

I started to think about when I am on a date with my husband, he will try and get to the car door first so he can open it for me. My typical response is rolling my eyes and giggling at him.

The response my daughters’ had to this new rule, and how I respond to my husband when he opens the car door for me is baffling to me. I couldn’t help but ask the question: “What are we trying to PROVE by opening our own doors?’”

It’s silly to think that by opening our own doors we are proclaiming our independence. Or we feel like we need to prove we are capable of taking care of ourselves. Why can’t we just be content with being a lady?

But I do understand where my daughters’ are coming from. It feels a bit silly to have someone do something for you when you are perfectly capable of doing it yourself. But it was never meant to be about how much we can do on our own, it’s always been about team work. When we sit here and work diligently at proving we are able to do whatever a man can do, and we are resistant to the help he is willing to give, then we are fooling ourselves.

The fact is we weren’t designed to be in competition with our gentlemen. We were designed to be his helpmate, and he was designed to CARE for us. Through our desire of independence we have lost sight of BEING a lady!

SO I ask this question again to all the LADIES out there: “What are we trying to prove by opening our own doors?”

This is a guest post! Please scroll down to learn more about the author.

After six years of marriage I finally got took my ring to the jewelers for a good cleaning, refinishing, and shine. Wow what a difference it made! It gradually got dirty so i didn’t notice how bad it got until I saw how beautiful it always was, hiding behind all the “gunk.”

I am not going to get a new ring just because it needed some TLC. That would be crazy! Way to expensive and this ring means something to me. Even if we became millionaires I would always want to wear THIS RING.

I think, just like my ring, we get used to something and accept it at its current state even though we know it could be so much better. I know several people fighting marital problems. I’m sure the problems didn’t happen over night but somewhere along the way they happened and now they are putting up with a “grimy, gunky” marriage when it could be so much more. Should they get a “new one?” No! Just because it needs some attention, a fresh perspective, and maybe even some expert care, doesn’t mean it isn’t worth saving. I don’t know everyone’s situation and maybe the “grime” is very thick but at one point there was some sparkle and I believe it is worth doing whatever it takes to find that sparkle again.

I have heard the best thing you can give your children is a good marriage. If that is true then shouldn’t it make sense that I read at least one marriage article, book, etc. for every parenting article? We are not perfect but we try very hard to put each others needs above our own. The book Love & Respect I believe is a must read for all couples. About how a woman needs love the same way a man needs respect.

Marriage is the foundation for the family our culture does very little to support it. Families are falling apart everywhere we look because very few people are willing to roll up their sleeves and find resources and people to come along side us and encourage a healthy marriage. If you are facing problems, or (even better) if you just want to be proactive, there are some great resources here and here. And P.S. the Fireproof move (and book) are AWESOME!

If nothing else take a walk down memory lane to your dating days and your wedding album. It is worth fighting for.

I am a wife to an amazing husband who loves the Lord and is truly my best friend. A stay at home mom to two precious girls 21 months apart. They keep me busy, laughing, and learning. My background is in marketing where i worked in cable advertising before having babies. I am kinda a health freak, kinda green, and kinda crafty, but all “imperfectly“

There are many ways to pray together. You will need to find a way that works for you together and follow that every day. Do some research, contact family, or ask members of your church if you are unsure how to pray together. Here are some of the many ways you can pray together as a couple.

Safety

Start out praying for the safety of each other, your family, your friends, and anyone else that is important to you. You need to start somewhere and this is an easy one to do each day. We all need daily protection and guidance. A short prayer about safety will work such as the one below.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please keep us safe when we are together and when we are apart. Keep our family safe in their travels throughout the day. Keep the angels around them at all times to protect them and make their way safe.

We thank you and praise you Lord Jesus that you will guide everyone in our lives to safety every day. We pray this in Jesus name.

Amen

If you are going to use the same prayer each day, write it down so you each remember it and you can say it together.

Finances

Finances are something that a couple must deal with each and every day. Praying together for debt reduction is something you could do together as well. This can be difficult at first, but it’s something you will find fulfillment in doing. Pray that God will lead you in the direction you should go, pray that you will always have enough money to pay your bills every month, and pray that you will have the strength to say no when you shouldn’t make a purchase. Here is a prayer you can use.

Dear Heavenly Father,

We come to you today for the strength and courage to deal with our finances. We want to follow your direction and do what you want us to do. We pray that you show us the way to pay off our debt and not incur any more. We also pray that you give us the strength to pay cash for things that we need and want.

We praise you and thank you Lord Jesus that you will show us the way to go so we can live the life you have set up for us. We pray this in Jesus might name.

Amen

Safety and Finances are two important things a couple can pray about on a daily basis. Morning prayer time is also a great time for couple’s to discuss their own personal praises, and anything that may be bothering them, and then make the time to pray about these issues.

Praying together is a great way for Christian couples to establish a more deeper connection with the Lord, and each other!